Surviving and thriving after LASIK

The past three years since I had LASIK surgery have taught me important lessons in courage, vulnerability, and connection. I wanted to share my story with others to break the isolation that this condition can cause us to experience. I hope that my story can help others to recognize there is someone else out there who is struggling too, and that while we are each on our own unique path, we don’t walk it alone.

How it all began

When I had the means and opportunity to finally ditch my glasses with LASIK nearly 30 years after getting glasses as a middle-school kid, I went for it. I did some research, got two opinions and was screened for eligibility. I had the procedure in October 2017.

The next few months were a blur of work and pain. Since I was told that most people are back to work within two days of the procedure, so was I. I was in intense pain and I had no idea that was not normal. I was experiencing severe burning and stinging that felt like shampoo in your eyes.

Six months after the surgery, when they said that I would be back to normal, every mere breeze caused so much pain that I resorted to wearing swim goggles all the time, including to work. I steeled myself for it, told myself everything would be fine, and kept going to work. As it turns out, this was my first mistake --not asking for help earlier.

How I realized I needed help

Three things happened in rapid succession that made me realize that I needed to ask for help.

People do care. One day in the locker room after riding my bike to work I realized I could no longer ride because riding made my eyes hurt. I broke down and cried. I thought I was alone, but I wasn’t. One of my coworkers was in the locker room, too. She came around the corner and said to me, “Molly, what’s wrong? Are you ok?” and put her hand on my shoulder. It was such an act of kindness that it made me spill my story to her. She was the first person I told outside of my immediate family that I was struggling. Her compassion made me realize in that moment that my coworkers care about me and that I shouldn’t try to hide my pain and minimize my experience while I am at work.

Ignoring emotions can backfire. One hot summer day, I was in a meeting with colleagues discussing a project idea. I was in hellish pain that day from the dry, windy and hot weather conditions, yet I tried to ignore it and get through the discussion. This led me to be a rotten person at that meeting, shooting down everyone’s ideas. I have since apologized to those people for my behavior that day, but I think it will take a long time to repair those relationships. I learned an important lesson that day: pain, both physical and emotional, comes out in a different form and can hurt others if not acknowledged.

Mental health matters. After two people who had chronic pain after LASIK surgery committed suicide, I realized this was a serious situation and that I needed to seek help. The stigma around mental health is so real that I didn’t realize it was affecting me until that moment. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. I kept trying to rationalize with myself that what I was experiencing wasn’t life-threatening, so I could just ignore it and try to go on with my life. Let me tell you, chronic pain in your eyes that feels like you just got shampoo in it all the time is not something you can ignore. I started working with a therapist and it has been a critical part of my healing process.

My healing journey

At first, I relied on over the counter artificial tears which I blazed through at an alarming every-five-minutes pace. Nothing seemed to work and I was so incredibly frustrated. I went from doctor to doctor, none of whom seemed to believe me or were able to help me. Sadly, I now know this is a common occurrence for people in this situation.

Finally on the tenth eye doctor I visited, I found an ophthalmologist who took me seriously. On my first visit, he created a list of treatments I hadn’t yet tried that we would methodically try one by one. This system, though it required a lot more patience than I ever thought I had in me, has helped stabilize my condition.

Nearly three years and ten eye doctors later, I know I am dealing with corneal nerve pain, dry eye disease, epithelial basement membrane dystrophy (EBMD), Meibomian gland disfunction (MGD) and other maladies that are the result of LASIK. The concept of radical acceptance has helped me deal with this, “to acknowledging your present situation, whatever it is, without judging the events or criticizing yourself.”

What’s helped me

The best advice I ever got from an eye doctor was “trust your body.” To that end, my daily treatment routine now consists of Xiidra, serum tears, Azasite, scleral lenses, punctual plugs, Oasis Preservative Free artificial tears and Refresh PM ointment at night. I am a big fan of cold eye masks. I make my own from soft cotton, whole flaxseeds and dried lavender and keep them in the freezer. I also wear goggles both day and night and am a big fan of the Ziena dry eye glasses from 7Eye.

Screen time is tough for me, so I limit the number of video calls I do in a day and have reduced my work hours to four days a week. These scheduling changes have helped both by eyes and my overall well-being. To limit my screen time further I have also embraced podcasts and audio books!

Mindfulness practice has been the silent hero of my healing process.

I have noticed that my pain increases whenever my nervous system is jacked up. I am slowly learning to take cues from my eye pain when to take a deep breath, a walk, or a break. Understanding the neurobiology of what is happening in my body is helpful and makes me feel that I have some agency over what I am feeling in any moment, emotionally and physically. Two apps that I use every day are Insight Timer for meditation and Curable for pain management.

Envisioning a positive future

I have dedicated my career to environmental and social justice work, and while I want to continue that, this experience has also taught me that I need to follow my dreams, too. Losing some of my daily eye function made me realize I had to follow my dream to go to art school. Earlier this year, I started a drawing and painting program part time and I am having the time of my life.

I share my experience here because I know I am not alone. The Dry Eye Shop and Dry Eye Foundation have been so incredibly helpful to me and I encourage anyone going through this disease to reach out for support. We are all in this together.

Molly

Portland, OR